The Year of Firsts

So it's the end of yet another year... I can't believe it's flown by so quickly. It seems I should be standing back in December of 2014 instead of having raced to the end of this one. But instead I'm sitting on a stool at the kitchen island listening to my family recounting their favorite memories of 2015. It's December 31st  - which means it's time to write the traditional year end summary post. The tradition started with this blog's first post. I wanted to start a blog and I didn't want to do it on New Year's Day.

There are tons of ways to sum up a year and there are myriads of memories that make up the sum of a year. Generally though I try to sum up each year with a word. Just one word. 2013 was steady or routinely exciting or maybe just simply great (even if I didn't always know it haha). 2014 was transitions. And this year... well, I struggled more trying to figure out a word for this year than others. At first I thought of the year of goodbyes. It started optimistically enough. After a year of transitions, I waited reservedly enthusiastic the last night of 2014 to welcome the new year in. The year was initiated with the death of my great uncle. It continued with one after goodbye. I broke up with a boyfriend, ministry opportunities that had opened up while I was in school closed or tapered off, positions shifted. Within the last few days I was scheduled for "retirement" from an writing forum. It was the first place where I learned what it means to be passionate about a people group. I discovered I love teens, especially Christian ones that feel like they need to keep their life together but are falling apart at the seams internally. Another organization I had a lot of dealings with in college I just learned today has been dissolved. There were a lot of times this year where forks in the road were reached and travel companions' maps directed them to turn off at a different junction from me. The Master Mapmaker has a unique plan for each person. Some goodbyes, like breaking up or shifting positions, I don't regret because I knew they were the right thing to do as I was doing them but I'd be lying if I denied they didn't have pain attached to them. Others, like the writing forum, I didn't want to say at all but they had to be done.

Goodbyes bring a bit of wistfulness but I don't regret a thing - my philosophy is if God is sovereign and has a plan and I'm choosing to give my life to Him, He'll make sure I don't miss His will. It's not that bad things won't happen or I'm not foolish and stupid sometimes. But I know He's in control and He arranges everything for a purpose. So no need to worry about the past or be scared of the future.

Along that lines, I don't like labeling years negatively... or anything for that matter. God is good. Always. So... I kept pondering. You know something? Every goodbye brings in a new time of life. It brings in some missing sure but it brings in something else - a new phase of life. It brings in firsts. Some firsts aren't so great of course - like moving on from the loss of a loved one. But you bring with you all the experience and wisdom those previous things gave you. You can choose to join in wholeheartedly in the next phase of life whatever that is. Sometimes it's hard. But it's worth it. God makes all things news - hearts, minds, lives. So firsts, even the hard ones, can be a good thing.

Some of this year's firsts included officially pursuing growing my business, getting my first real paycheck, sending off an article, researching more avenues for jobs in my field than I like to remember, flying internationally, visiting an island, building deeper friendships with a couple of very special people, getting real business cards (the ones I made when I was 10 or so don't count), seeing a Broadway Play, and making new friends. It was full of intangible firsts too... realization of what those big words you've thrown around all your life really mean, first understanding of what it means to let go, of what it means to pay the price, etc. Perhaps the most valuable lesson was really throwing myself into what other people were happy about... and reaping so much more happiness than I ever thought possible from it. People always made me happy. But this year I learned even more than ever how to forget whatever it is that could bring you down if you dwelt on it and immersing yourself full force into what someone else is doing. Eventually, you can be happier than them over them being happy. It's quite wonderful.

"It's a fine life." - Newsies "Carrying the Banner"

It's a very fine life. So full of love, sacrifice, strong character, strength, and grace. I'm wearing my "life is good" cap my parents bought me before I embarked on so many adventures last year. It's been everywhere I have recently - disaster zones, internships, and Cayman. I'm excited to see what the next year brings. I'm sure it'll bring lots of transitions and firsts too. I'm also sure it'll bring a lot of greatness...

Here comes "What It Means to be Loved" on Spotify. Here's to another year of learning more fully "what it means to be loved." By all of you and You Who's always watching out for me. I hope I can give it back a little.

And here's to me not getting any more mushy and going to bed. Welcome new year.

It's Been a Long Time

Wow! It's been awhile since the dust has been blown off this blog. It's been a busy summer... and fall... and now winter.

First there was Cayman.

Left - lovely tree lined avenue near Cabana Bay's shopping center (I could have spent an afternoon just driving around looking at scenery); right top - kayaking on the crests (one of my favorite highlights); right bottom - best gelato ever! 

Cayman... where the boulevards are lined with palm trees and the water's clear and the wind plays with your hair constantly. While we were there, my sister and I learned how to snorkel. Definitely one of my favorite things. Could have done it all day long! Fascinating shops including book stores, and a shop that sold $400 shoes (I held a pair :D). For a gluten-free foodie or a health fanatic (I fall in the former category forced to act like the latter thanks to allergies), it's sheer heavenly. There's organic veggies in all forms and varieties and fresh fruit every day. If you're really brave, there's always coconuts on the beach you can pick up and eat. I was surprised by how sour the coconut water tasted. Apparently the kind in the bottle has sugar added to it but they don't have to label it. They also have the BEST EVER gelato! 

Mural in an observatory tower where you could overlook almost the whole island. Corresponding to the rising floors, it showed the sea life from the bottom to the surface. Many of the fish depicted we saw while snorkeling. 

From June, summer seemed to speed into fall way too fast... 

September brought APEX. APEX is basically a big event where current and past CollegePlus students get together to listen to great speakers, fellowship, play games and well... chill... recharge... connect... and grow in Christ. Now to most CollegePlus students this was a huge event as it was - largest gathering of crazy people... I mean CollegePlus students ever this year. But it was somewhat bigger to me as it seemed downright impossible to make it happen. Megan and I had been scheming since last year. Or rather, she'd been scheming, I kept acting like I wasn't interested in scheming because I didn't want to get my hopes up... and then somehow it all came together faster than you can say "CPE3 APEX" and I found myself in New Braunfels, Texas. While there were many wonderful speakers and I brought home some tips to apply to my own business, the best part was simply spending time with old friends for what may be the last time we're all together in one place. We would spend the days in between sessions talking, soaking in the sun and playing our hearts out in the fun team building activities, running away from the sun by rocking while others played a myriad of sports, and ending each night with a singing session. (Seriously, we ended up calling ourselves "the old people" from our habit of all ending up in a row near the rocking chairs to catch the breeze - and shoot it - whenever there was a break. This is what college does to a person I reckon. haha) The singing sessions were especially special - to just be and listen to the music and let myself sing without being the least bit shy like I usually am. We would always end with hymns. It was just so special to end each day together with the Lord and hear the wonderful words "see you tomorrow."  

Top - all of us! :D Bottom row - pics of very awesome friends and  penguins (apparently they demonstrate principles of community very well... they are also extremely cute waddling sedately up and down the aisle). Side column - the event's logo made by a friend of mine, three of the dearest people in the world + me, spontaneous hymn singing sessions are the best, and another pic with friends before saying goodbye.

The next main event of the year was Thanksgiving - I wanted to go all out this year and do a big meal. So we did complete with turkey, homemade cranberry sauce, potato stuffing, sweet potato casserole, bacon fat in the green beans, oatmeal cookies, and pumpkin pie, etc. By the way, has anyone else ever done potato stuffing? I got it from a magazine but everyone I talked to had only heard of cornbread stuffing. It was also fun watching mom use remnants and clearance items to totally transform the dining room into a seasonal, fun, festive environment. It looked like it came out of a magazine! For me part of the fun was also just learning about and doing what so many generations of Southern women have done before - cook good food, make a beautiful presentation out of nothing, and invite family to all cluster around the table. Family is a wonderful thing. Having both sets of grandparents and a cousin around the table was so wonderful - to be all together, all enjoying.

My first pumpkin pie! (and only my second pie to ever make ;))

Next, came Newsies - "the real for true" Broadway play!!!! It was my first ever to see and it came together in a miraculous way that I still can't believe. It definitely ranks among the best birthday presents ever. The lights, the dancing, the sets, the acting - it was like nothing I could have dreamed of. And trust me... I'd been dreaming. It was something that had always been on my "dream list." However, I had no clue it would work out this year. The family road trip to and from New Orleans was fun too - an 8 hour round trip in one day. ;) We didn't see much of New Orleans, but it was cool to see the house where my grandmother grew up now that I'm older. I hadn't been since before Katrina. Also, the Saenger theater was gorgeous in its own right. It's been restored to it's original 1920's look. 

Of course, alongside all that I decided to take a chance and build/grow my business more this year. In summary, I edit anything from books to brochures, offer essay assistance, and tutor English and the Social Sciences. Mostly, I work online but I also do in person tutoring as well. Check out more here. The page needs a lot more posts. But it's a start. And business cards are a start. And getting a few paychecks is a start too ;). 

So yes, that's where I've been from May 27th to December 23rd. I'd promise to be around more... but I'd probably end up breaking it. So I'll just say, I'd like to be around more. ;) 

Sometimes Why Isn't Necessary

This time one year ago I was standing in a parking lot waiting for "orders." We were going, a whole crew of CPers and I, to work on a disaster site in Arkansas after the tornadoes. Once we got there it would begin to drizzle like it is now. But we'd keep working anyway, at certain points barely even noticing. While the cars had been full of chattering, excited kids enjoying spending time with each other in person instead of being forced to have screens between them, there was a hush once we got there. For some of us, it was the first time we'd ever seen something like this - piles of remnants of what used to be happy lives. We passed devastation after devastation, only piles of garbage to mark where families used to live.

Here and there a camper, or a rare undemolished house stood. An old lady and a teenage girl came out of one and talked to a few of us girls. They thanked us for coming and the tears started pooling in my eyes. It felt more of an honor to be there than a job. They took it all in stride this mess all around them. Like Whitney seemed to be doing. I remember thinking how brave she was for coming with us and helping clean up someone's else's home after doing her own. I wanted to tell her but I wasn't sure how to say what I was feeling... I think I eventually said something and hugged her. Hugs were about all I wanted at that point - some form of human touch reassuring me that we were alive in a world that seemed all dead. Words seemed kinda useless there. They just hung in the thick foggy air and sounded awkward.

After a while, they offered us lunch and we had to eat it. Well, I personally didn't. For once food allergies were a blessing. No one really seemed to want to eat what with the stench and the sadness and the piles of ruined lives on every side.

It was sometime after lunch when the rain was drizzling in a relentless miserable manner that the strongest memory for me of that day happened. We'd been hacking at a trailer with only our hands and someone's knife and a borrowed ax if I remember correctly. Maybe we just needed to hack at something because our insides seemed to have gone numb. Or maybe it was just because a bunch of kids like to try demolishing things. I dunno. I do remember despite more logical heads saying otherwise, that some of us seemed to think so strongly that we could get it apart, it was almost a need to get it apart. It may sound weird. But I've experienced that feeling since. It's like the subconscious needs to accomplish some physical thing that has become a metaphor for something bigger.

Some of us girls seemed to have gained strength that from just looking at us seemed impossible. I pulled my hat which ironically said, "Life is Good" on it (a present from my dad and mom), and hoped no one could see my eyes in the rain. I felt the  need to work, need to pull and drag and hoist the heaviest items I could find and throw them as high as I could with a resounding thud on the constantly growing pile. That was one of the most satisfying sound ever. I glanced around and saw another girl beside me, working just as silently and determinedly. "So I'm not the only one this staring physical disaster in the face is new to," I thought. Looking at us maybe we appeared frantic but it lacked the feverishness of insanity. It was just a cold, determined, numbness. Besides, it was less emotionally challenging to lug pieces of housing material than picking up children's toys. After throwing a teddy bear and a doll on the dump I decided to avoid picking up any more if I could help it. It hurt too much to throw away something you knew had been dear to some little kid.

Compounded with being in an official disaster site for the first time and thinking about the Tittles, I was struggling with pushing flashbacks away from hurricanes. Katrina - being a little girl far away from home and having only the reassurance of newspaper pictures, aka no reassurance whatsoever, and hearing adults talk about dead bodies floating in the streets. Rita - facing the wind and beginning of the rain to pull things in and secure them, tying down roses to their stake as though somehow that was going to help, and praying that little frog I found hiding in a rose petal would make it. Gustav - the hurricane that actually hit my town as a 3, bringing multiple tornadoes down our street alone, one of which almost killed me. Gustav included the whole gamut of FEMA, our street blocked off due to damage, seeing neighbors almost die, etc. The memories of Gustav though also gave strength. I remembered being too young to help in the heat Mama said, so I watched from the one cool room my mother and father work with the neighbors cleaning up instead of waiting for federal aid. White and black, blue collar and white collar, from all walks of life working together.

As the hours rolled by, a question began nagging in the back of my mind and I imagine it was nagging in the back of a few others. Why were stuffed bears left in one piece but the house gone? It was rumored one of the little kids who had lived here had been injured. Why was the random piece of junk saved and her not? Why had this happened to good Christian people? Why all this destruction?

And then someone, either Hannah or Morgan, found a pretty much intact page from a book. Us girls huddled around her trying to read through the rain what it said. We had a strange fascination with who these people were who used to live here and now were rumored to live in the camper a few yards away. It was a page from a children's book Hannah deciphered. We leaned closer. It was strangely pretty preserved. It was a dim, water-stained yellow and only the edges crumbled in her hand. The dirt streaks didn't make what was left of the page unreadable. I wondered if since it was so well preserved if God had something to say to us.

Hannah read us the whole that was left intact. It was the story of John the Baptist in prison. He asked why he hadn't been delivered. And Jesus answered him but not the way he was expecting or wanted. We all knew how it ended even though the ending had been lost on a different page.

We went back to work. But somehow I was different. I kept repeating the story to whoever had the luck of throwing stuff on the pile at the same time I did. Thankfully, CPers are some of the nicest people ever so they didn't roll their eyes at me. It was as though I had to keep saying it because I needed to hear it again and again.

I realized how ridiculous it was to ask why. I was ashamed of my questioning and unbelief. Even if we didn't understand, it didn't matter. All good things work together for good to those who are called according to His purpose. God knows. That is enough. We don't have to know why. We just need to know He's in charge. That He's got this. He's got us. He won't let go.

That is enough.

That lesson has gone on with me long after I showered off the grime and my muscles stopped being sore. It got me through a summer that tested everything I was made of. It's come back to me now after a spring of pain I hope to never repeat.

My hope is in the Lord. My God is strong and mighty. My God is faithful. My God is able. 
Even when I feel the light is fading and I've lost my way...
I hold on... there is strength holding on to the One Who is able. - "All Things Possible"

I miss you. All of you who were there in Arkansas. I hope your lives are beautifully blessed. That time, that oh so too brief time, is one of the highlights of my life so far. It was a blessing to work beside you, cry beside you, play beside you. Oh, and hey, girls still win at dodge ball. :P And yes, being locked in a car with 3 boys is just as scary as you said it would be. But Mrs. Brown made it safe, so I was only somewhat "corrupted." Mrs. Christian is awesome and amazing and without her I would have never been able to go. Tittle Family you're in my heart and prayers. You're amazing! The way you've gone on and grown, your strength and kindness are a continual source of inspiration.

'Til next time my friends wherever and whenever that is.

You Lose What You're Afraid You Will

"I guess I'll never understand why
We take it for granted 
Until it's gone..." - Love Who You Love


There's a little imp of a dream that flits across my vision from time to time. I've dreamed it so long it's become a part of who I am. And yet, every time I reach out my hands to grasp it, it prances away from me like a wild horse. Whenever I quit, the mischievous fairy horse runs back to me, touches my hand, and begs for another game of tag. This time though, I can't quite get up enough guts to run after it. It just feels doomed to fail. Maybe I got too muddy the last time. Maybe it's because I'm tired. Maybe it's because I'm searching for some sign of success that would give me the energy to keep going. However it is, I feel too tired to chase it, and yet I'm enjoying the fairy of a dream seeming so close. It's an allusion of course. But allusions can be pretty little things.

The time the fairy horse came closest to me, I was so scared of losing it. Around that time I heard something to the effect of: what you're most afraid of losing you might lose just because you're scared of losing it. That sounds confusing. But think about it a second. It'll begin to make more sense. I've lost a lot of stuff now. And I'm scared of losing anything new that manages to fall into my lap that the least bit resembles heaven. And that's got to stop.

I need to enjoy fully every moment I have now. Psh, how could I of all people so easily forget that lesson? How many times have I looked my final breath in the eye only to forget? How many times have I begged God not to "make me leave the party early"? (Kara Tippetts)

And yet I forget.

I forget about how I asked graduation night if I could be spared to go on a bit longer and see what came next. I forget the little 13 year old girl, her throat closing up after a contaminated chocolate bar, asking if she could live long enough to grow in the Lord more before her name got called. I forget the baby pictures of a kid with way more cords than hair attached to her.

I get too anxious wondering about if the beauty of what I have now is going to last tomorrow to truly cling to today. Instead of worrying when the clock will strike midnight, I should be enjoying learning the dance steps. So what if the dance ends way too soon (aka the moment ends)? I got to dance. Instead of managing a weak smile to hide the sadness of wondering when the current happy situation will end, I should flash a beautiful grin because I'm blessed to be in it.

I forget I'm on limited time and just remember that the situation is. And that's so stupid! Whether the health conditions I live with are life threatening or not, I'll leave to the ever debating health professionals. It doesn't really matter. We're all on limited time. We all have limited time to invest everything we've got.

And it's downright foolish to be so paralyzed with fear we don't give everything we have. Or maybe we get so scared all we have to give is fear. Either way it's foolish. Maybe it's logical. Maybe it makes sense. But it's still foolish. In the high court of the eternal, sometimes logic doesn't count for much.

So yes, I have a few scars I'm not super proud of. Yes, the pessimist in me would like to blame it on the optimistic, fearless part of me. But when it comes down to it, the things I regret most are the times I failed to communicate, failed to give all, failed to hold on. The moments I regret the most are the ones I failed to enjoy the moment God gave me to the fullest.

So maybe I'll run after that Pegasus of a dream after all despite the scars and the bruises and the pessimism. And maybe I'll actually be wise enough to leave (aka try to leave) my hands open so it can flit away if it so chooses to. Willing to give all there is to give, love all I can love, prepared for the time it'll leave me again. Overjoyed if it comes back more beautiful from being born anew out of ashes like a phoenix. But if this dream must turn to dust, I want it to fly away because that's the way God has it planned, not because I'm so bound by fear that I close my hands and the little horse out of fear of being crushed gallops away.

"So I'd walk right back through the rain...
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led... me here." - Here

'Cause what if Your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears?" - Blessings