We take it for granted
Until it's gone..." - Love Who You Love
There's a little imp of a dream that flits across my vision from time to time. I've dreamed it so long it's become a part of who I am. And yet, every time I reach out my hands to grasp it, it prances away from me like a wild horse. Whenever I quit, the mischievous fairy horse runs back to me, touches my hand, and begs for another game of tag. This time though, I can't quite get up enough guts to run after it. It just feels doomed to fail. Maybe I got too muddy the last time. Maybe it's because I'm tired. Maybe it's because I'm searching for some sign of success that would give me the energy to keep going. However it is, I feel too tired to chase it, and yet I'm enjoying the fairy of a dream seeming so close. It's an allusion of course. But allusions can be pretty little things.
The time the fairy horse came closest to me, I was so scared of losing it. Around that time I heard something to the effect of: what you're most afraid of losing you might lose just because you're scared of losing it. That sounds confusing. But think about it a second. It'll begin to make more sense. I've lost a lot of stuff now. And I'm scared of losing anything new that manages to fall into my lap that the least bit resembles heaven. And that's got to stop.
I need to enjoy fully every moment I have now. Psh, how could I of all people so easily forget that lesson? How many times have I looked my final breath in the eye only to forget? How many times have I begged God not to "make me leave the party early"? (Kara Tippetts)
And yet I forget.
I forget about how I asked graduation night if I could be spared to go on a bit longer and see what came next. I forget the little 13 year old girl, her throat closing up after a contaminated chocolate bar, asking if she could live long enough to grow in the Lord more before her name got called. I forget the baby pictures of a kid with way more cords than hair attached to her.
I get too anxious wondering about if the beauty of what I have now is going to last tomorrow to truly cling to today. Instead of worrying when the clock will strike midnight, I should be enjoying learning the dance steps. So what if the dance ends way too soon (aka the moment ends)? I got to dance. Instead of managing a weak smile to hide the sadness of wondering when the current happy situation will end, I should flash a beautiful grin because I'm blessed to be in it.
I forget I'm on limited time and just remember that the situation is. And that's so stupid! Whether the health conditions I live with are life threatening or not, I'll leave to the ever debating health professionals. It doesn't really matter. We're all on limited time. We all have limited time to invest everything we've got.
And it's downright foolish to be so paralyzed with fear we don't give everything we have. Or maybe we get so scared all we have to give is fear. Either way it's foolish. Maybe it's logical. Maybe it makes sense. But it's still foolish. In the high court of the eternal, sometimes logic doesn't count for much.
So yes, I have a few scars I'm not super proud of. Yes, the pessimist in me would like to blame it on the optimistic, fearless part of me. But when it comes down to it, the things I regret most are the times I failed to communicate, failed to give all, failed to hold on. The moments I regret the most are the ones I failed to enjoy the moment God gave me to the fullest.
So maybe I'll run after that Pegasus of a dream after all despite the scars and the bruises and the pessimism. And maybe I'll actually be wise enough to leave (aka try to leave) my hands open so it can flit away if it so chooses to. Willing to give all there is to give, love all I can love, prepared for the time it'll leave me again. Overjoyed if it comes back more beautiful from being born anew out of ashes like a phoenix. But if this dream must turn to dust, I want it to fly away because that's the way God has it planned, not because I'm so bound by fear that I close my hands and the little horse out of fear of being crushed gallops away.
"So I'd walk right back through the rain...
And be thankful for the tears
I've cried with every stumbled step
That led... me here." - Here
'Cause what if Your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears?" - Blessings
