Vulnerability and other things we don’t like talking about

“Never gonna change my mind – the famous last lines of a fool” – “Hello, Hello”

“Long live all the walls we crashed through” – “Long Live”

So it’s late and a final paper just got submitted for better or worse. I’m tired. I’m tired of chit chat. And I’m tired of scientific research that’s supposed to be so important but which is so superficial in a way. In other words, it’s that hour where I want to talk about something meaningful on some deep level. No. Not a theology debate. Not some deep wisdom. Not high psychology. That’s stuff people enjoy talking about and get degrees in. I’m talking about the stuff that none of us like to talk about, but that reverberates a chord in each of us.

Like vulnerability.

Like don’t stab me because it kinda hurts.

(Like it took me a week to get up enough nerve to post this maybe….)

But I want to talk about it anyway. Because it’s a topic that keeps coming up. Like in this anonymous quote: “Let me tell you this: if you meet a loner, no matter what they tell you, it's not because they enjoy solitude. It's because they have tried to blend into the world before, and people continue to disappoint them.”

Facing it brings up memories  of thank you notes on crumpled paper in a coat pocket, soft eyes that all the hardness in the world couldn’t cover, late night conversations with people I may never meet in this world…..

Vulnerability.

The sound always makes me think of “vultures” – and that’s one use of the word – being overly sensitive or culpable enabling injuries to happen. It’s a truthful definition. But it’s rather flat like a very boring sitcom character.

Once upon a long time ago I was musing to one of my friends. Ok, really I was complaining…  I was asking why we had to be vulnerable when it had the potential to hurt so badly. Oh mind you I wasn’t being “vulnerable.” I wasn't letting them know what I was complaining about exactly. I wasn’t going to let them stab me. Oh no. I had thought I’d managed to build concrete walls securely around my sensitive heart (most hearts are sensitive on some level despite the layers of supposedly bullet proof vests they wear). I was quite determined “nobody was gonna hurt me no more.” Oh yeah… that’s what I was complaining about. :P I was angry with myself because someone was managing to pull back those layers of bullet proof vest. Insert wise friend into the situation. What they said was basically this: “you don’t have to let things in. But if you don't allow yourself to be open despite the bad, you’ll never receive any good either. So have your castle with its nice stone walls. But it’ll be a pretty lonely castle.”

They had a point. A terribly biting point, no?

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I had lost.

I’d failed.

I didn't have whatever it was it took.

It was as simple as that.

As most of you know when I want something I get completely “gung ho” about it, give every ounce of energy that I’ve got, and proceed to get extremely excited about it.  So yeah… defeat is not given easily. It’s like a losing battle but the loser’s determined to try every last ditch attempt no matter how hair brained before handing over their sword.

I wiped my nose. I had a paper due. Someone probably needed me. I should really go check and see if they did. I just didn’t want to. Forced myself to type, forced myself to edit, forced myself to get back into the groove of prayer group.

But my mom could read the stiff shoulders, slightly red eyes, and mechanical “goodnight.” She asked if I was ok, said I would be, and hugged me tight. And then she said a few simple lines that revolutionized my thought process. “You might not have/be ______. Maybe God’s purpose is that you simply spend some time with your sister or keep someone from suicide.”

I smiled lopsidedly and refuted having such an ability. Just because I’m willing to stay awake and talk to people if they need it or offer my bony shoulder for the crying public’s need doesn't mean I’ll ever save a life. I'm not superwoman at all. I'm just Mia. I fail daily. Scratch that. Multiple times a day. I don't even know the public so I can't even really be available for them... But I had to grin thinking about the ability to enhance a few lives for even a few moments. That’s something most of us long to do. Look at how many organizations are started to help people. It seems every celebrity has their own foundation. But we don't have to be somebody to impact others.You know what? We all have the ability to do it! 

But without being willing to be open ourselves, without being willing to share glimpses from our own life… Seriously, who goes around talking to brick walls? People don’t pay therapy money to go talk to gray stone walls with algae growing on them. We have to be open.

“Looking for that...rainbow on the horizon, I couldn’t see it until I let go. Gave into love and watched all the bitterness burn…And I’m out on the edge of forever. Ready to run. I’m keeping my feet on the ground, my arms open wide, my face to the [Son]” - “The Time of My Life” – David Cook)

I’m not purporting cavorting foolishly with fire. I’m not suggesting holding onto a match as it burns down the stick. No. Not at all. But you know what I mean.

I’m saying go out there and stop labeling people. Look past the goofiness of the class clown. Look past the humungous ego of mrthinkshessomething. Look past Madame Introvert’s nametag. Go. Now. And look for crying out loud. And give. Be open to waving at the stranger on the street. (I’ll be honest that’s one of the hardest things for me to do. It just feels so awkward and which moment do you smile and which do you look away and which do you not disturb them and which do you make their day???????) Stop worrying about how hurt and beat up we’re going to be, tear off those infamous labels society puts on people like they do apples, and be guardedly vulnerable.

People say I’m easy to read. To one extent I am. But there are some things even the people that love me most don’t know. There’s other experiences I’ve shared with certain people during specific times when I felt it was time. Things my close friends don’t know. And now those people are gone. Do I regret it? No. It was the right time and the right place. They were encouraged. I was encouraged. It fulfilled its mission. So that’s what I mean by guardedly vulnerable.  

Give and ask for no return. Don’t give because we want someone to give back. Don’t listen because you want someone to listen back. They won’t.  You will be pleasantly surprised when someone gives back. You will be thrilled when someone asks you questions. But regardless of whether you’re the giver or the receiver you will be blessed.

I don’t want to be a rocket scientist. I won’t ever be an Olympic sprinter. I probably won’t invent life-saving mechanisms or start amazing global ministries. But that’s ok. I want to be there and pray for the ones that do accomplish those things as they accomplish them. Wipe their eyes when they fail. Hold them tight. Or hold the screws instead while they use the screwdriver. Listen to the brainstorming, and re-brainstorming, and back to the drawing board discussions. I want to be vulnerable enough that I let you into my life, approachable enough that you let me into yours. Will I hurt you? Probably. I’m fallibly human. Will you hurt me? Maybe. But it’ll be worth it.

Note: It's late. I don't usually post things late. It's a tough subject. I had intended to post something lighter before I went and tackled a tough subject. It's not intended to start a debate. Instead, it's just the rambles of a tired mind with something on it. In other words, don't be offended or proceed to put it up to courtroom inspection. Take it simply as it was intended.... a tired girl that considered posting it a million times and eventually decided to share her heart - in other words the title fits perfectly. ;)